"You know, I’m starting to think that the rule of four is true."

"Rule of four?"

"There are only four dudes on campus worth dating."

"Awful generous of you, I can’t think of one."

"Oh, c’mon. Graham’s hot."

"Hot and taken."

"Sam. Hot and single."

"Hot, single and not interested in either one of us."

"Bet you twenty bucks I’ll have him wrapped around my pinky by finals."

"That’s not fair!"

"Sure it is."

"You’re a slut."

"I haven’t even . . . "

"You’ve fucked . . . "

"One of them doesn’t even count. Aimless thrusting is not sex."

"Fine, but I’m only betting you ten."

"Deal."

"You know what, fuck that. I’d be better off giving you ten bucks right now."

"Eww, what the fuck is he looking at?"

"He knows you put out."

"Shut up."

"So what happened last night?"

"He never came by."

"You’re too fucking nice. I would have pureed his balls by now."

"I don’t feel like dealing with drama. I graduated from high school, damnit."

"You still need to chew his ass out! He ditched you for that ugly bitch . . . "

"Did you see the nose on her? Bitch had a nose like a fucking cliff."

"Even more reason to kick his ass."

"Please, he ain’t shit."

"Apparently he was. You’re all depressed and not eating."

"I’m not eating because I want to get skinnier."

"I can already see your rib cage through that shirt."

"Well, to get one of the four good ones around here, you have to be tall, white, blond and skinny . . . "

"You’re black, kinda tall, black hair and anorexic. You’re pretty. Fuck those twinkie bitches!"

"That’s the problem. Every guy does."

"I thought you and James got back together."

"We did, but it’s still an open thing."

"Didn’t he propose to you?"

"Dude, we’re not going to see each other until May. I know he’s shacking up with other . . . "

"You know he’s not."

"Well, whatever. I gotta get laid. How the fuck am I supposed to survive from September to May with no physical attention?"

"Get a dildo, maybe?"

"Nope, don’t wanna do the work."

"Man, I hear ya."

"We’re horrible people."

"No, you’re a horrible person. I’m just here to remind you of that."

"Woo, new catch. Did you see him?"

"Eww, fug."

"What are you? Blind?"

"You like really ugly dudes."

"That’s not true."

"You like . . . "

"There’s no shortage of rejects here, dude. If I wanted rejects, I’d have a swarm of them."

"I think we should just become lesbians . . . but not, like, together."

"I’ve already checked out the girls, dude. If I were a lesbo, I’d have to go straight."

"Catch 22 like a motherfucker."

"I think I’m just gonna spay myself. Take some scissors, go into the bathroom and scramble my ovaries like I’m gonna serve them for breakfast."

"That was fucking revolting."

"Shut up, that was the best thing you’ve ever heard."

"Then that really doesn’t say much for me."

"You don’t really think I’m a slut, do you?"

"Yes!"

"But I’m not . . . "

"You knew Brian for what . . . a whole two hours before you decided he was worthy . . . "

"Deprivation is a bitch!"

"...and then you stayed over at his place! He could’ve killed you . . . "

"Vicodin and vodka could have killed me too, but since it didn’t . . . "

"You are fucking crazy."

"I just like to have fun."

"Yeah, because getting shit faced is entertainment at its best."

"He just looked at me."

"Who?"

"Brian."

"Don’t cry, dude."

"I don’t want to, but I could."

"He’s not worth you worrying like this."

"He gave me this really great kiss after he left that night . . . "

"Get a fucking grip! You’re supposed to be an ice cold bitch, what are you doing?"

"I’m way prettier than that other girl, right? God, what did I do wrong?"

"You kissed him. Cardinal rule of fuck buddies is that you don’t kiss. Don’t cry, remember how much you bitched about paying for that eyeshadow? Not worth it."

"My mom told me that only two things come out of kissing boys: herpes and feelings."

"And who wants either of those? Five hundred dudes on campus and you fall for the biggest asshole to be found."

"It’s hereditary."

"Huh?"

"Where the fuck is my father?"

"Okay, take that and imagine having Brian’s baby."

"I’d have to go 1800's and bend a hanger . . . "

"And he would let you. He’s a piece of shit. You need to find a good guy."

"Kinda hard when there are only four on campus."