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Circle of Life Anson Poe
Hello everyone, and welcome to the Hillcrest Singles Cemetery tour. I’m Tammy, and I’ll be your guide today. We’re approaching the cemetery now; you can just see it at the top of the hill there. Hillcrest Singles Cemetery is on a 10,000 acre lot overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The moisture from the salty sea air allows for nice even decomposition, which aids in the matchmaking process at Hillcrest; I’ll tell you more about that later. Here’s an interesting fact: Hillcrest’s founder, Aries Broderick, decided to locate the cemetery in between San Francisco and Palo Alto to keep your loved ones coming back to pay their last respects again and again! Oh, looks like we’re here. I’d like to draw your attention to the twin Cupid statues near the gates of the cemetery. Talk about form and function! They’re made of the finest Peltier marble, but don’t let their beauty fool you. There are security cameras in them monitored by cemetery guards 24 hours a day to keep riff-raff out of our fine establishment. But we know you’re all cultured people and, more importantly, aging singles, so we’re going to let you have a look inside… *** "Um… Mrs. Farland?" "Speaking." "I understand you’re interested in our Second Chance Mother of Adoption program?" "Oh, yes, I just signed up the other day on the internet." "Yeah, good, ok, um… we just wanted to call to confirm that you were still interested. Keep in mind that your time and any expenses you might… um… incur are tax-deductible." "Yes, of course." "Great. Uh… we’ll send a representative over right away… does Tuesday at 2:30 work for you?" "Sure, that sounds fine." *** The host, suddendly hidden behind giant flashing block letters, announces that his show has just begun. He makes a coy self-deprecating joke, and the audience laughs obediently. He gives the cue for the announcer to introduce tonight’s contestants, Ennis and Cassie. Ennis sneaks a glance at Cassie and rubs his hands together nervously. *** Before I show you the cemetery itself, I’m going to have you all fill out our questionnaire. It’s a little long, I know, but believe me, it’s absolutely necessary. It’s a scientific compatibility test, so we know who to bury you with. Everyone who is buried in this cemetery is required to fill one out. We want to make sure that you have the best possible hereafter, and what better way than to plant your remains next to someone you can really connect with?
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"Coming! Oh, my. Hello." "Hello…eh… Missos Farland. I ham Fernando Spallarosa… weeth the Moh-ther of Adoption program…" "Come in, come in. Would you like some wine, Fernando?"
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Cassie nervously ascends into a strange apparatus on a stage, and Ennis sits down in a futuristic-looking desk with a monitor display on it. The announcer takes on the gravity of a small star and signals the beginning of the Quiz Round. Question one is a no-brainer, and Ennis answers it quickly with an obvious sense of relief washing over his face. A pair of robotic hands emerge from the apparatus ,grab Cassie’s jacket by the collar and shake her out of it.
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What’s that, sir? Oh, there’s no need for worry if the compatibility test doesn’t work! See, here at Hillcrest, we have a threefold process to make sure your relationships in the afterlife are better than any you have experienced while living! The first is the test you are taking at this very moment. Be as honest as you can; no one will see it but our scientists at the prestigious Aries Broderick Center for Holistic Psychology. The second measure is what we call the "grass test." Top Hollywood landscapers come by our cemetery once a month to check the grass at each grave site for healthiness. As our wise founder Aries said, bad blood makes bad fertilizer! The third measure is personalized counseling from the very best psychics and parapsychologists, approved at ABCHP. They have one-on-one meetings with the spirits of the deceased every month to make sure everything is going all right among our pairings! If anything is wrong, we can exhume your remains and try pairing you with someone else.
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"Yes. Yes! OH FERNANDOOOOOOOOO!"
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Ennis is sweating now; he’s answered four questions right and two wrong. Accordingly, Cassie’s jacket, shoes, socks, and shirt (respectively) have been removed by the apparatus and the only obstacle left before Ennis can advance to the next round is her skirt, but he must answer this question correctly.
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This is the main part of the cemetery. You’ll see pairs of gravestones all over where we have currently successful pairings of singles in successful afterlife relationships. And as you can see, you don’t have to worry about looking the same as the next guy, because our gravestones are fully customizable! We can make them out of any material you want. As you can see, a car lover who was recently buried to your right had his stone made of pure chrome! Accessories are also available, including our newest, a waterproof LCD screen for anything from interactive touch-screen menus to slide shows!
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"PUSH, MRS. FARLAND, PUSH." "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
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The final question of the Quiz Round is a real stumper. Ennis rubs his face, clenches his hair, and mumbles softly trying to work out the answer as the audience shouts possible responses at him and the timer beeps rhythmically.
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A little up the road, there’s our unmatched section, where you’ll most likely be buried. As you can see, there are no shortage of deceased singles at our beautiful Cemetery.
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"Um… is this the residence of Earl and Lydia Tucker?" "Yes, Earl speaking." "Hi… um… we understand you’ve recently been turned down by an adoption agency. Is this correct? "Who’s calling?" "My name is Gordon, I’m calling from the Second Chance Adoption program." "Oh, right! I’ve heard about you guys."
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5: Wait, he knows this. 4: He learned it in history class. 3: It’s on the tip of his tongue! 2: It’s… 1: 1845! It’s correct! Robot arms again emerge from the apparatus and whip Cassie upside- down, then another pair grabs her skirt and the first pair lets go; she falls out of the skirt and lands on her back. Whump! Ennis leaps up from his chair and screams in victory, and the audience screams with him, just as pumped as he is. Cassie gets up, brushes herself off, then stands awkwardly on the platform in her bra and panties, blushing and giggling.
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At the end of the questionnaire, you may notice two extra boxes. In the first one, you can indicate if you want to be cremated and have your remains scattered in our Swingers Scattering Garden, located in the southwest corner of our fine cemetery. It is filled with a mixture of exotic flowers that are maintained by the same Hollywood landscapers that administer the grass test. We use only state-of-the-art kilns that capture every ash and self-clean after every use. Your ashes are then scattered in among the jungle of orchids, real Dutch tulips, the finest roses in every color, and many more exciting blooms. Your ashes will mix in well with the ashes of fellow swingers and fertilize the Garden and you can swing, swing, swing your way into eternity! Remember, what happens in the Garden, stays in the Garden.
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"Hey, man, can I… eh… bum a cigarette?" "I didn’t know you smoked." "Look, can I bum one, or not?" "Hey, just asking. Chill out, Gordon." "I’m sorry. It’s just…" "I know, man, I know."
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The host cracks a couple of jokes at Ennis, who laughs nervously and gives only monosylabic responses; he wants to get to the next round already. The host eases up, leads him onto the platform, and starts the timer. Cassie turns around, revealing the back of her bra on which is situated a familiar two-and-a-half inch cube with nine colored squares on each side. Ennis, realizing his task, begins to work quickly, but with intense concentration. He turns one by nine grids around in a flurry of movement, and soon the colors, once scattered about the cube, come together in groups. The timer comes dangerously close to zero, but Ennis pulls through and arranges the cube with each color having its own side.
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Not only are our gravestones customizable, we can even add some pizzazz to your funeral, for a certain price. You can visit our website for detailed descriptions on our full range of options, but let me tell you about some of these exciting opportunities while you’re still here. All of the coffins we offer can be made in an extra-small size so you can bring your beloved pet with you on your journey to the afterlife. If you look to the right, you can see a fine patron who selected this option. Note the smaller and still fully customizable gravestone adjacent to the main stone. Your pet will be tastefully euthanized and mummified in a ceremony much like that used by the ancient Egyptians. There is also a full range of clothes and collars for any variety of pet can wear into the afterlife.
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"I hate packin’ these things." "Hey, man, it’s money." "I know, fuck you. It just seems… not right." "HEY JOE! WE’RE OUT OF WATER DISPENSERS OVER HERE!"
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The cube falls apart and it’s pieces scatter everywhere. Cassie’s bra falls off. Again: screams, victory, awkwardness, blushing, giggling. Onto the next round.
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In the higher price range, we can also arrange for you to have a celebrity pallbearer. Because of busy schedules and time elapses between application to our cemetery and death, we cannot guarantee which celebrity you will get. However, we have a strict A-list and high B-list only policy, and you can make suggestions as to which celebrities you don’t want on the form.
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"I hate shippin’ these things. I swear, every one makes the same noise when you stamp the box." "Oh, really? You only say that every day. Gee, I thought you enjoyed it. SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
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The host leads Ennis and Cassie over to a different platform with more intense lighting. The host announces the beginning of the Mystery Round, now with even more gravity; enough dramatic flair to make Shakespeare puke from an overdose. Giving Ennis no instructions and starting another beeping timer, he whisks himself away from the stage. Ennis stares cautiously at Cassie’s panties, wondering what cruel trick he’s in for this time. He walks around Cassie, analyzing the panties carefully; reaching for them, then pulling his hand away at the last second. Finally, he goes for it, and they come off without a hitch. But something is wrong. In place of what should be between her legs, there is a jet-black dome with a clear relief in the middle. Within is a bobbing blue triangular prism with one face pressed against the relief. Ennis kneels down, squints and sees three words printed in tiny white block letters: "PLEASE TRY AGAIN" Ennis considers this for a moment, and then it dawns on him: he’s seen this before.
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The second box, which you’ll notice is large and blank, is for an essay question for the bachelorettes in our group. Do you think you have what it takes to match up with the founder of our Cemetery and ABCHP? Tell us why in 500 words or less, and our parapsychologists will read your responses to Aries himself. That’s correct ma’am, he’s buried right in this cemetery. You see that hill way over there? The most beautiful spot in the whole cemetery? That’s where he’s buried. Aries is the most eligible dead bachelor in this cemetery, and probably even in the world! He enjoyed reading, having a good laugh, and traveling to his summer home in the Netherlands. Remember, the word limit is strictly enforced. Just because Aries has an eternity doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate conciseness!
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"Earl! Earl! The delivery man just came." "Oh my God. Open it, open it!" "Oh, I can’t get the tape." "Here, let me do it." "Oh, she’s beautiful!" "Our own little baby girl. Look at her. She’s gorgeous!"
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Ennis gets up from his knees, grabs Cassie by the sides, picks her up, and shakes her violently. He sets her back down on her feet, and the little blue triangle inside the jet-black dome spins like a top. It slows down and stops, with a different face pressing against the relief; now it reads "OUTLOOK GOOD." The dome falls to the floor, and confetti falls from the ceiling. The credits roll over Ennis carrying Cassie off the set with a wild look in his eyes while the host hustles the audience for some last-minute applause.
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